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[26 Jul 2004|02:24pm] |
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We've been living life inside a bubble...
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[18 Jun 2004|10:00pm] |
Though I am indeed stuck some 5 hours drive from the people I love I have become somewhat comforted by this...The people I am living with also love chocolate, I baked delicious scones and everyone liked them, I get to meander around DC, and tommorow I am going to go shopping for a sari...besides the missing him and them so very much and the dread of when I return this would be a dream...so I guess I should recount it as average...
love
tula (the Nanny...)
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| A disjointed compilation of writing--by other people. |
[08 Jun 2004|05:27pm] |
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mood |
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peaceful and pensive |
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Suddenly you wish for silence/It chokes to death on the carelessness of men/A whole life left behind/you are always there/a question I can not answer/talking only brought denial and confusion in the soul/wash away reflection/as long as I live I will find myself again/the world shrank from your touch/ease the agony of yourself/silence at her core/what do i leave behind/I saw wisedom there/there is no song for what is not/dry tears you touch/life amidst death is indeed death/a cello wise with wine/i am very quiet now/my blood drips down the stone/the kindness of others is a casual accident/i feel my own body tumble/we are two figures in a vast kaleidoscope landscape/i recognize our sad elation/arrogant toward immorality/life into infinity/a thread that runs beyond the labrynth/in gilded satin night/bleeding through your heart/we have come to bury our butterflies/a mad bird keeps after me/if you want me to rest than get me out of this/a hidden beauty sandwich/there will always be some who do not get flowers/you can always accept what you cannot possibly reject/life is an afterthought/suggesting the infinite possibilities of god as a playwright/must this old story always work to its inevitable end?/a wing so beautiful it could match the beauty of a leaf/one can never keep or ever lose such things/we could not forfend death by faith of fortitude/a mirage in darkness/soft feathers fanning the air into spring/i found you and you took away everything i had/i have wet feet from walking in water/qualitative judgements concerning environments and the shaping of one's life/this heart is broken-in less than a minute trampled flat/pretty, shallow, useless abstractions/now and again I remember that there is nothing I can write to express my minds impressions/and so i will emulate this magic. invite it. soak in it. learn it/the ocean taught me the beauty and intensity of peace/you have come too far to step back this easily/its never soft enough/the sensual over the sentimental/the artist is the phoenix who burns to emerge/it's such a liability to love another person/there is perfection as it should be; attainable and every bit as beautiful/if they fall it is my fault/and so i pray to keep us both safe/the only one who could have brought me here:
broken and incomplete-but sweet.
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[26 May 2004|07:08pm] |
ok, so, awesome...I'm officially a loser with no friends.
a) because NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON sent me an email over the last..wow...3 months?...since I checked my email, and:
b) because I'm posting an entry in livejournal telling people to email me (haven't you figured out yet that that's what this is?....my email is mypurplewhisper@yahoo.com)...
anyways....that was fun. Happy summer everyone, hope you all have a good one,
wednesdays, wednesday what do you do on wednesdays? on wednesdays I ALWAYS play the guitar.
thursdays, thursdays what do you do on thursdays? on thursdays i often go to a rock concert...
now everyone, sing it to a cool beat, and dance, and it'll tech you english, ok?
have fun
love you all..tula
ps.
yoga, yoga, I can do yoga, can you do yoga too?
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| My report card... |
[17 May 2004|07:25pm] |
So: here's my end of year assesment:
Mental: serious progress made (A)
Social: some progress made (B+)
plus...extra bonus...a boy who i absolutely adore! (A+)
Academic: Some regression, but not without remorse.(C-)
Family: Back and forth. but then i may move to the basement of perkins anyway.. :) (C--)
In other words: My room is really clean, and all arranged and pretty, and my family is on my shit list, and I on theirs, I crashed their car, and thus can not drive, mentally I am very, very healthy...if not always "good", my boy is wonderful, and keeps me together more than i could have dreamed. I have some wonderful people who I can be gratreful to call my friends who have been there for me everyday of this mess...and some who have stepped back...but that's ok.
I think I'll say this was a year of sorting. And sort I did.
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| No one knew me... |
[08 May 2004|09:15pm] |
the tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tommorow...
....
All around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces
...
I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
That the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
...
And I feel the way that every child should
sit and listen...
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[02 May 2004|10:44pm] |
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wsshhhewwww...I just finished project # 1...it took forever, I got carried away...and now I have to start # 2..it wouldn't be a problem except that I have to drive to school tommorow, and I'm sick and yesterday I very nearly passed out while driving...oh dear. Weeelllp...I'll just try to get this done as quickly as possible, and hopefully get to school safe and sound tommorow.
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[02 May 2004|05:13pm] |
Library. Books. No time to enjoy them--I have to work. I'm not working...but I will.
I read a bit about freuds theories, and when I got to sublimation, and repression I was shocked...I thought everything of freud's was utter nonsense, who knew I would relate to, and be diagnosed by it?
I have one hour and 45 minutes remaining here. I MUST write a paper, and compile a presentation in that time.
adios.
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[29 Apr 2004|10:22pm] |
Oh, wow, I love driving!!!!
FREEEEEEEDOOOOOM.
At last...
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[28 Apr 2004|08:58pm] |
SO...
Got my new phone (the old one was broken)
It's beautiful outside.
Yay spring!
I'm thoroughly enjoying myself
No one but me seems to think this is a good thing
that's not true though...just a few select people who have taken it upon themselves to be angry
poor things, they have lots going on in their lives...I know all too well how good can turn to bad when you want it to.
School's out soon!
nothing like approaching freedom to cheer me up...
parents are supplying me with money to buy my food now..
so i can just be broke..not in debt too.
did i mention I really, really like spinning in circles?
no more wheat or sugar for me...they make me feel icky, so i have gotten rid of them
Salads are wonderful
as are cherries
what is it about grapes that provokes them to get yummier and yummier the colder they get.
I'm done writing now.
Good bye.
have a lovely spring everyone.
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| I do NOT recommend home piercings... |
[18 Apr 2004|12:31am] |
Tula, meet mirror.
Mirror, meet tula's ear.
Tula, meet courage,
Courage, meet iodine,
iodine, meet ear (and needle)
needle, meet ear
*in*
*Ouuuuttt*
crunch
(cartilage)
needle, meet the other side of ear
Ear, meet stud
stud, meet ear
Tula, meet your new piercing.
Finally.
(this was a desperate measure...I'm broke)
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| train of thought |
[17 Apr 2004|08:13pm] |
My greatest fear:
Being trapped.
Facing my fear:
Being home.
Avoiding my fear:
Getting out.
Home again...and having trouble being, breathing, being productive. I want to go to sleep. I feel sick.
I love my dad, I feel guilty for feeling this way
I am still here.
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| Love and Honesty. |
[16 Apr 2004|06:40pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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Bohemian rhapsody |
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Ah, love. What a sweet, odd emotion. Human pathos is a convoluted thing, without the added confusion of another person. Perhaps that is why it is the most astounding and potentially overpowering of all emotions. So much that I hesitate to call love an emotion. It is a state of being. A state in which there are no boundaries, there is absolute trust, and absolute perfection in every imperfection, in every compromise.
And with love there MUST be honesty. Without complete honesty there can be no utter trust. And trust must be present...how else can anyone be let completely into your own mind (such as they must be to share love with you)?
With all that said:
Honesty is love's best companion. Harsher, and more difficult to contend with at times it is true...but in the end, they can not live without the other. And nothing is more sour than love lost because of lack of honesty.
So be honest. And learn to love that hollowed out, drained feeling that comes from a hard, honest conversation. That hole can always be filled with beauty, and resolution. The hole left by dishonesty and bittered love cannot be so easily filled.
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| Life is Beautiful. |
[15 Apr 2004|05:23pm] |
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mood |
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Beautifully content |
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music |
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Jimi |
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Somedays I look around and I want to cry. I want to shake these people from their sadness...I want them to come with me, and let me show them the beauty that can be found in any single ray of sunshine. Or moonshine. Or a drop of rain. How can there be such sadness surrounded by such beauty? How can we be so ungrateful.
We are beautiful, our world is beautiful, and our lives, filled with their mundane miseries, are most beautiful of all. Love yourself, your friends, your life, and you will always be happy, and surrounded by a most astounding beauty.
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| he's still up there...singing dayeinu... |
[10 Apr 2004|09:58pm] |
mmmm, passover. A once a year reminder that I (halfway) belong to a wonderful, rich, and don't-you-dare-forget, oppressed culture/people/religion. Not so much the religion but the wine leads me to, somewhat, enjoy passover. My grandmother made a valiant effort to keep us all sober this year (the seder calls for 4 glasses of wine, but the average intake is about 8-10) by giving us all enormous water glasses, and practically shot glass sized wine glasses (perhaps they were bourbon/brandy glasses?) This did work, not because we couldn't have just laughed at her and a. drunk 20 or 30 glasses, or b. used our water glasses for wine, but because we all thought it was just as amusing to humor her. I did quite well, I only had 7 of the small glasses, which is not enough to get anyone even the slightest bit tipsy. (Except perhaps the aforementioned grandmother, she can't weigh more than 100 lbs.)
So, singing, and hebrew, and matzoh ball soup were had and enjoyed by all, and now I can only hope that my stomach...which has decided it no longer wants anything to do with me, and makes that point quite strongly each night by attempting to exit, via my mouth...a thoroughly unpleasant process.
After the seder I holed myself up for a good long time, for the first hour it was unintentional...I passed out (ok, I fell asleep involuntarily)...but when I awoke I decided that sneaking around the outside of the house to my grandmother's study (where I have been put to sleep--on an air mattres) to catch up with old friends..unlimited weekend minutes on my cell, was a far better plan.
I returned some 2 1/2 hours later to find the remainder of the party sitting around in the living room, looking sadly dissapointed, and somewhat expectant at me...they never expect me to stay around for long. My stepmom nicely offered me tea, and then told me it would be fine for me to use this computer...when I asked her. Really, I'm just trying to waste time, I'm waiting for someone to call.
Oh, this is a positive post, by the way, I realized I may have wasted it with that last bit...here, here's some good family news:
My father has apologized, and asked if we can start over (if you don't know, you don't care, so don't ask)
I have accepted this, and so I am no longer making plans to leave home.
My father and I, in addition to reconciliation, had a really nice long talk on the way to my grandparents house (it was just us in the car, my stepmother left a few days earlier-they're her parents).
I feel better about all that, I do wish that even being on such good terms could allow me to tell him everything that's happening in my life, but I know he would take fatherly, responsible, measures, (probably without even realizing it) and then we wouldn't be on good terms anymore.
oh well, I ought to stop complaining...my life is really quite good right now, and every problem, no matter how numerous my problems have become, seems to come up with a good, applicable, solution for itself..
that's all for now, I just recieved a phone call.
tula
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[09 Apr 2004|11:34am] |
"God is in his heaven and all is right with the world" I don't know about the god part, but everything else is true. It's spring, I have reached resolution in more things than I have found conflict, and the sun is shining to announce spring.
Did I mention that the tulips are in bloom?
And I am, after all, Tulip...
Happy spring,
much love to all.
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[01 Apr 2004|10:55pm] |
Definitely not in Kansas anymore...
"It all seems so much 'less bad' when it's actually happening...like, if you were to read about it.."
"..you would think.."
"wow, that's.."
"fucked up?"
"yeah"
"but it's really not bad at all..."
"everything gets so over-dramatized."
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[31 Mar 2004|08:36pm] |
Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense...
no, not nonsense as in nonsense...nonsense as in..non sensical...like..okay, but wtf...
Simultaneously as happy and as sad/mad/hated/afraid as i have ever been
do i feel different?
DO I?
You tell me.
If I have been ignoring you, call me, 919 260-1806...leave a message if a. i don't pick up because I'm at home and it doesn't work at home, or b. I am at school and don't want my phone confiscated.I know that sounds like a lot of the time..but it'e really not, and that IS the tula-hotline, so feel free (questions, comments, concerns, smart remarks....)
love you all,
tula
ps.
everyone can stop glaring at me in the hallways now...the rumors aren't as true as some would have you believe, and i promise i feel bad enough...
tq
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[25 Mar 2004|11:16pm] |
Well! THAT was/is quite a curveball!
May I take this moment to say:
I Apologize from the bottom of my heart to all the people who I have hurt (especially in the past week). I know I messed up, and I am not used to being in this position, I've never been here before, and I'm terrified. Please, please, don't yell at me...if you want to beat me up, please, I would prefer it to this hatred.
I'm sorry.
Fate....what the fuck were you thinking?
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