We write to taste life twice.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 21:25:15 GMT

We've been living life inside a bubble...

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 02:03:34 GMT

Though I am indeed stuck some 5 hours drive from the people I love I have become somewhat comforted by this...The people I am living with also love chocolate, I baked delicious scones and everyone liked them, I get to meander around DC, and tommorow I am going to go shopping for a sari...besides the missing him and them so very much and the dread of when I return this would be a dream...so I guess I should recount it as average...
love
tula (the Nanny...)

A disjointed compilation of writing--by other people.

Tue, 08 Jun 2004 21:16:21 GMT

Suddenly you wish for silence/It chokes to death on the carelessness of men/A whole life left behind/you are always there/a question I can not answer/talking only brought denial and confusion in the soul/wash away reflection/as long as I live I will find myself again/the world shrank from your touch/ease the agony of yourself/silence at her core/what do i leave behind/I saw wisedom there/there is no song for what is not/dry tears you touch/life amidst death is indeed death/a cello wise with wine/i am very quiet now/my blood drips down the stone/the kindness of others is a casual accident/i feel my own body tumble/we are two figures in a vast kaleidoscope landscape/i recognize our sad elation/arrogant toward immorality/life into infinity/a thread that runs beyond the labrynth/in gilded satin night/bleeding through your heart/we have come to bury our butterflies/a mad bird keeps after me/if you want me to rest than get me out of this/a hidden beauty sandwich/there will always be some who do not get flowers/you can always accept what you cannot possibly reject/life is an afterthought/suggesting the infinite possibilities of god as a playwright/must this old story always work to its inevitable end?/a wing so beautiful it could match the beauty of a leaf/one can never keep or ever lose such things/we could not forfend death by faith of fortitude/a mirage in darkness/soft feathers fanning the air into spring/i found you and you took away everything i had/i have wet feet from walking in water/qualitative judgements concerning environments and the shaping of one's life/this heart is broken-in less than a minute trampled flat/pretty, shallow, useless abstractions/now and again I remember that there is nothing I can write to express my minds impressions/and so i will emulate this magic. invite it. soak in it. learn it/the ocean taught me the beauty and intensity of peace/you have come too far to step back this easily/its never soft enough/the sensual over the sentimental/the artist is the phoenix who burns to emerge/it's such a liability to love another person/there is perfection as it should be; attainable and every bit as beautiful/if they fall it is my fault/and so i pray to keep us both safe/the only one who could have brought me here:
broken and incomplete-but sweet.

Wed, 26 May 2004 23:16:35 GMT

ok, so, awesome...I'm officially a loser with no friends.
a) because NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON sent me an email over the last..wow...3 months?...since I checked my email, and:
b) because I'm posting an entry in livejournal telling people to email me (haven't you figured out yet that that's what this is?....my email is mypurplewhisper@yahoo.com)...

anyways....that was fun. Happy summer everyone, hope you all have a good one,

wednesdays, wednesday what do you do on wednesdays? on wednesdays I ALWAYS play the guitar.
thursdays, thursdays what do you do on thursdays? on thursdays i often go to a rock concert...

now everyone, sing it to a cool beat, and dance, and it'll tech you english, ok?

have fun

love you all..tula

ps.
yoga, yoga, I can do yoga, can you do yoga too?

My report card...

Tue, 18 May 2004 00:06:24 GMT

So: here's my end of year assesment:

Mental: serious progress made (A)

Social: some progress made (B+)

plus...extra bonus...a boy who i absolutely adore! (A+)

Academic: Some regression, but not without remorse.(C-)

Family: Back and forth. but then i may move to the basement of perkins anyway.. :) (C--)

In other words: My room is really clean, and all arranged and pretty, and my family is on my shit list, and I on theirs, I crashed their car, and thus can not drive, mentally I am very, very healthy...if not always "good", my boy is wonderful, and keeps me together more than i could have dreamed. I have some wonderful people who I can be gratreful to call my friends who have been there for me everyday of this mess...and some who have stepped back...but that's ok.

I think I'll say this was a year of sorting. And sort I did.

No one knew me...

Sun, 09 May 2004 00:56:30 GMT

the tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tommorow...
....
All around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces
...
I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
That the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
...
And I feel the way that every child should
sit and listen...

Mon, 03 May 2004 02:36:19 GMT

wsshhhewwww...I just finished project # 1...it took forever, I got carried away...and now I have to start # 2..it wouldn't be a problem except that I have to drive to school tommorow, and I'm sick and yesterday I very nearly passed out while driving...oh dear. Weeelllp...I'll just try to get this done as quickly as possible, and hopefully get to school safe and sound tommorow.

Sun, 02 May 2004 21:15:50 GMT

Library. Books. No time to enjoy them--I have to work. I'm not working...but I will.

I read a bit about freuds theories, and when I got to sublimation, and repression I was shocked...I thought everything of freud's was utter nonsense, who knew I would relate to, and be diagnosed by it?

I have one hour and 45 minutes remaining here. I MUST write a paper, and compile a presentation in that time.

adios.

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 02:01:24 GMT

Oh, wow, I love driving!!!!

FREEEEEEEDOOOOOM.

At last...

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 00:44:29 GMT

SO...

Got my new phone (the old one was broken)
It's beautiful outside.
Yay spring!
I'm thoroughly enjoying myself
No one but me seems to think this is a good thing
that's not true though...just a few select people who have taken it upon themselves to be angry
poor things, they have lots going on in their lives...I know all too well how good can turn to bad when you want it to.
School's out soon!
nothing like approaching freedom to cheer me up...
parents are supplying me with money to buy my food now..
so i can just be broke..not in debt too.

did i mention I really, really like spinning in circles?

no more wheat or sugar for me...they make me feel icky, so i have gotten rid of them
Salads are wonderful
as are cherries

what is it about grapes that provokes them to get yummier and yummier the colder they get.

I'm done writing now.

Good bye.

have a lovely spring everyone.

I do NOT recommend home piercings...

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 04:12:42 GMT

Tula, meet mirror.
Mirror, meet tula's ear.

Tula, meet courage,
Courage, meet iodine,
iodine, meet ear (and needle)
needle, meet ear
*in*
*Ouuuuttt*
crunch
(cartilage)
needle, meet the other side of ear
Ear, meet stud
stud, meet ear

Tula, meet your new piercing.

Finally.

(this was a desperate measure...I'm broke)

train of thought

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 23:55:03 GMT

My greatest fear:

Being trapped.

Facing my fear:

Being home.

Avoiding my fear:

Getting out.

Home again...and having trouble being, breathing, being productive. I want to go to sleep. I feel sick.

I love my dad, I feel guilty for feeling this way

I am still here.

"Excuse me while I kiss the sky"--JIMI!!

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 23:18:27 GMT

Wind Cries Mary
After all the jacks are in their boxes and the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on down the street
Footprints dressed in red and the wind whispers Mary
A broom is drearily sweeping up the broken pieces of yesterday’s life
Somewhere a queen is weeping somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind it cries Mary
The traffic lights they turn of blue tomorrow
And shine their emptiness down on my bed
The tiny island sails downstream cause the life that lived is is dead
And the wind screams Mary
Will the wind ever remember the names it has blown in the past
And with this crutch it’s old age and it’s wisdom
It whispers no this will be the last
And the wind cries Mary

Manic Depression

Manic depression is touching my soul
I know what I want but I just don’t know
How to, go about gettin’ it
Feeling sweet feeling,
Drops from my fingers, fingers
Manic depression is catchin’ my soul
Woman so weary, the sweet cause in vain
You make love, you break love
It’s all the same
When it’s, when it’s over, mama
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess
Well, I think I’ll go turn myself off,
And go on down
All the way down
Really ain’t no use in me hanging around
In your kinda scene
Music, sweet music
I wish I could caress, caress, caress
Manic depression is a frustrating mess

Gypsy Eyes

Way up in my tree
I’m sitting by my fire
Wond’rin’ where in this world might you be
And knowin’ all the time you’re still roamin’ in the country side
Do you still think about me?
Oh my gypsy.
Well I walked right on to your rebel roadside
The one that rambles on for a million miles
Yes I walk down this road searchin’ for your love and ah my soul too
But when I find ya I ain’t gonna let go.
I remember the first time I saw you
The tears in your eyes look like they’re tryin’ to say
Oh little boy you know I could love you
But first I must make my get away
Two strange men fightin’ to the death over me today
I’ll try to meet cha by the old highway.
Well I realize that I’ve been hypnotized,
I love your gypsy eyes
I love your gypsy eyes
I’ve been searchin’ so long my feet have made me lose the battle
Down against the road my weary knees they got me
Off to the side I fall but I hear a sweet call
My gypsy eyes is comin’ and I’ve been saved.
Oh I’ve been saved
That’s why I love you
Said I love you
Hey!
Love you
Lord I love you

Purple Haze

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things don’t seem the same
Actin’ funny but I don’t know why
’scuse me while I kiss the sky
Purple haze all around
Don’t know if I’m comin’ up or down
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me
Help me
Help me
Oh I don’t know
Purple haze was all in my eyes
Don’t know if it’s day or night
You’ve got me blowin’, blowin’ my mind
Is it tomorrow or just the end of time?
Who knows?
Help me

Love and Honesty.

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:54:35 GMT

Ah, love. What a sweet, odd emotion. Human pathos is a convoluted thing, without the added confusion of another person. Perhaps that is why it is the most astounding and potentially overpowering of all emotions. So much that I hesitate to call love an emotion. It is a state of being. A state in which there are no boundaries, there is absolute trust, and absolute perfection in every imperfection, in every compromise.

And with love there MUST be honesty. Without complete honesty there can be no utter trust. And trust must be present...how else can anyone be let completely into your own mind (such as they must be to share love with you)?

With all that said:

Honesty is love's best companion. Harsher, and more difficult to contend with at times it is true...but in the end, they can not live without the other. And nothing is more sour than love lost because of lack of honesty.
So be honest. And learn to love that hollowed out, drained feeling that comes from a hard, honest conversation. That hole can always be filled with beauty, and resolution. The hole left by dishonesty and bittered love cannot be so easily filled.

Life is Beautiful.

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 21:27:10 GMT

Somedays I look around and I want to cry. I want to shake these people from their sadness...I want them to come with me, and let me show them the beauty that can be found in any single ray of sunshine. Or moonshine. Or a drop of rain. How can there be such sadness surrounded by such beauty? How can we be so ungrateful.

We are beautiful, our world is beautiful, and our lives, filled with their mundane miseries, are most beautiful of all. Love yourself, your friends, your life, and you will always be happy, and surrounded by a most astounding beauty.

he's still up there...singing dayeinu...

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 01:58:43 GMT

mmmm, passover. A once a year reminder that I (halfway) belong to a wonderful, rich, and don't-you-dare-forget, oppressed culture/people/religion. Not so much the religion but the wine leads me to, somewhat, enjoy passover. My grandmother made a valiant effort to keep us all sober this year (the seder calls for 4 glasses of wine, but the average intake is about 8-10) by giving us all enormous water glasses, and practically shot glass sized wine glasses (perhaps they were bourbon/brandy glasses?) This did work, not because we couldn't have just laughed at her and a. drunk 20 or 30 glasses, or b. used our water glasses for wine, but because we all thought it was just as amusing to humor her. I did quite well, I only had 7 of the small glasses, which is not enough to get anyone even the slightest bit tipsy. (Except perhaps the aforementioned grandmother, she can't weigh more than 100 lbs.)

So, singing, and hebrew, and matzoh ball soup were had and enjoyed by all, and now I can only hope that my stomach...which has decided it no longer wants anything to do with me, and makes that point quite strongly each night by attempting to exit, via my mouth...a thoroughly unpleasant process.

After the seder I holed myself up for a good long time, for the first hour it was unintentional...I passed out (ok, I fell asleep involuntarily)...but when I awoke I decided that sneaking around the outside of the house to my grandmother's study (where I have been put to sleep--on an air mattres) to catch up with old friends..unlimited weekend minutes on my cell, was a far better plan.

I returned some 2 1/2 hours later to find the remainder of the party sitting around in the living room, looking sadly dissapointed, and somewhat expectant at me...they never expect me to stay around for long. My stepmom nicely offered me tea, and then told me it would be fine for me to use this computer...when I asked her. Really, I'm just trying to waste time, I'm waiting for someone to call.

Oh, this is a positive post, by the way, I realized I may have wasted it with that last bit...here, here's some good family news:

My father has apologized, and asked if we can start over (if you don't know, you don't care, so don't ask)
I have accepted this, and so I am no longer making plans to leave home.
My father and I, in addition to reconciliation, had a really nice long talk on the way to my grandparents house (it was just us in the car, my stepmother left a few days earlier-they're her parents).

I feel better about all that, I do wish that even being on such good terms could allow me to tell him everything that's happening in my life, but I know he would take fatherly, responsible, measures, (probably without even realizing it) and then we wouldn't be on good terms anymore.

oh well, I ought to stop complaining...my life is really quite good right now, and every problem, no matter how numerous my problems have become, seems to come up with a good, applicable, solution for itself..

that's all for now, I just recieved a phone call.

tula

Fri, 09 Apr 2004 15:44:56 GMT

"God is in his heaven and all is right with the world" I don't know about the god part, but everything else is true. It's spring, I have reached resolution in more things than I have found conflict, and the sun is shining to announce spring.

Did I mention that the tulips are in bloom?

And I am, after all, Tulip...

Happy spring,
much love to all.

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 03:34:23 GMT

Definitely not in Kansas anymore...

"It all seems so much 'less bad' when it's actually happening...like, if you were to read about it.."
"..you would think.."
"wow, that's.."
"fucked up?"
"yeah"

"but it's really not bad at all..."
"everything gets so over-dramatized."

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 01:19:04 GMT

Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense...
no, not nonsense as in nonsense...nonsense as in..non sensical...like..okay, but wtf...

Simultaneously as happy and as sad/mad/hated/afraid as i have ever been

do i feel different?

DO I?

You tell me.

If I have been ignoring you, call me, 919 260-1806...leave a message if a. i don't pick up because I'm at home and it doesn't work at home, or b. I am at school and don't want my phone confiscated.I know that sounds like a lot of the time..but it'e really not, and that IS the tula-hotline, so feel free (questions, comments, concerns, smart remarks....)

love you all,

tula

ps.

everyone can stop glaring at me in the hallways now...the rumors aren't as true as some would have you believe, and i promise i feel bad enough...
tq

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 03:58:18 GMT

Well! THAT was/is quite a curveball!
May I take this moment to say:

I Apologize from the bottom of my heart to all the people who I have hurt (especially in the past week). I know I messed up, and I am not used to being in this position, I've never been here before, and I'm terrified. Please, please, don't yell at me...if you want to beat me up, please, I would prefer it to this hatred.

I'm sorry.

Fate....what the fuck were you thinking?

the positive side of my train of thought..

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 01:35:36 GMT

Things to do when I feel...like this:

-take a shower/bath for no reason (even if you just had one an hour ago)
-use your little sister's bubble bath
-take a walk/run in the nearest wide, open area
-drive to nowhere, listening to loud music
-buy yourself a present
-do something purposeful...
then reward your effort
-Go get the food you've been craving
-make your favorite cookies
-Apologize, whether it was your fault
so you have one less person to argue with
-let go of a grudge
-compliment a complete stranger
and/or a friend.
-do something nice for yourself (especially your appearance) a manicure, pedicure, conditioning treatment, facial, etc.
-lie out in the sunshine/rain
-Call an old friend
-(when lonely) find somewhere to be with someone you love. There's always someway to hang out with SOMEONE
-dance in the rain
-wear your favorite pants/skirt/shoes/shirt
-play dress-up
-make new clothes
-finally go shopping for all the little things you've been needing
-think
-play with your dogs/cats/animals
-talk things over
with yourself
-call your grandma to get the recipe for those cookies you love
and let yourself say i love you back to her
-make an elaborate meal for someone else
-make an elaborate meal for yourself
-go get a haircut/dye your hair
-dance and sing to your music
-hug a complete stranger
-hug a friend
-go kiss the person you "like"/your significant other
-think of a solution for something that has been bothering bothering you
and let yourself think you will do it
-think of an outrageous spring break plan
do it
-go and admit you did something you feel guilty about
and fix your mistake
-don't get defensive
-remember to stop and smell the flowers
-go to the library
and get as many books as you want
-get out (of the house)

breathe.

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 01:13:42 GMT

Why do i need this? why do i want it? how could i ever do that....?
what has happened to me?...i wouldn't have believed, a year ago, 6 months ago, that i would come to this...

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 17:35:14 GMT

You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tomboy

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your: Happy eyes! Your cheerfull, bright and always
want to try something new. Your inquisitive and
quite lovable. You have many friends and will
succseed in life.

What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and self-
absorbed, one thing is certain - life with you
will never be boring!

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

I have been thinking a lot about how odd this new generation’s obsession with knowledge has become. Instead of finding wonder and beauty in all that we could learn about our world, and learn to change and improve upon our, and our future children’s futures we seem only to want to know about the people around us. We have this need to know where we and everyone else is…at ALL times. We can always find a way to get in touch with someone-if we can’t we panic. If we cannot actually get in touch with them from where we are there really is ALWAYS a way to find their location, from someone else. People have forgotten how to be alone, and I am left wondering, is that a skill we need anymore? Or have we left it all behind…now we will all become one. Perhaps that’s a good thing-it’s much easier to kill/harm someone you do not know than one you do know.

Do the quizzes confuse you? They are just another example of the obsession described above, IM (especially away messages), LJ, quizzes meant to tell the world who you are, in a way that can be related easily using who they are. If two people are both “a hug and a kiss on the forehead” than perhaps they are exactly the same in a relationship, and express their affection the same ways. Even if they have never met or talked to each other and live across the world.

Good, and interesting; or creepy and controlling?

if you drink from a bottle marked "poison" it is almostcertain to disagree with you, sooner or later

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 02:52:51 GMT

"However this bottle was NOT marked "poison", so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of chery-tart, custard, pinneaple, roast turkey, toffey, and hot buttered toast), she very soon finished it off."

"What a curious feeling!" said Alice. "I must be shutting up like a telescope!"

"Alice got so much in the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way."

("so she set to work, and very soon finished the cake.")

bored, what? me? NEVER!

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 00:41:26 GMT

I'm the lai, with no sort
Of grave, solemn thought,
And I
Will never be caught
By miseries sought,
Nor sigh;
Where battles are fought
Or arguments brought,
I fly.

What Poetry Form Are You?

Ottava rima? Me? That can't be right!
   Too frivolous? But tut, there's no such thing!
Let others ponder thoughts of wrong and right,
   Or sit and think how much they love the spring;
I'd rather spend my time in gleeful spite,
   Or maybe laugh, or maybe sit and sing.
Besides, it might be fun to be inspiring -
But surely it would get so very tiring.

What Poetry Form Are You?

PS
Do i really have to go prom shopping this soon, I mean, everyone's in prom frenzy...I hate to be naive, but i am. Will someone please fill me in?? oh, and are the tickets really THAT expensive???!! geez. Oh, and...well...I don't know anything, please help...?

tq